November 11th, 2004

Subject: I'm a dirty, dirty GIRL! Time: 01:30 am Current Mood: annoyed

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! It's like the hell that was last year won't stop repeating itself in my mind...okay at the time it wasn't hell it was...let's not get me started. But it's wrecking havoc now and I can't take it. I'm in relationship, I'm in love but this stupidness keeps occuring in my dreams, day dreams, random thoughts. It's obsessivenss and I'm not even trying to obsess over it. In reality, I'm actually not; it just annoys me because I'm trying to be happy, content with my life, moving out hopefully, find a job, GRADUATING, then grad school hopefully...but no, the mind has to play tricks. Reminder: Must schedule appt. with Dr. Reising its time to get more of my meds once again.

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October 30th, 2004

Current Music: the sound of my exhaling of nicotine Subject: I'm back in black... Time: 02:22 am Current Mood: indescribable

The cold, breezy air... The wind rustling through the trees... Cigarette perched upon my lips... Makes me think of one thing... SEX! Bone breaking, nail-clawing, teeth-grinding sex! Sex, I haven't had for quite some time... Damn, these horny filled nights of fall.

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December 21st, 2003

Subject: Why do I even try? Time: 03:10 pm

Well, my brother decided to come home comatose on booze last night. First, it was a stupid thing to do because I've told Chris all of my stories in great detail about how I used to be so I thought he'd learn something from that. Second, our parents are usually always in the living room which is of course right by the front door so how did he expect not to get by them? So if it wasn't for my dad being there my brother would have been in a world full of hurt today. More than he already is... I guess I can't really talk. I used to be like that too but the point is that I learned from my mistakes. And it bothers me and worries me because my brother is not even passing his course at AACC barely and he goes out and pulls this stupid shit! I know that I drink but I refuse to ever get like that ever again, it took me so long to rectify all the damage that I've done to myself and to see my brother going down the same road bothers me. It took me a year to get my GPA up to a B and keep it there, I don't even like to drink anymore really and, I just don't know. Granted, I was drinking last night but it was nowhere on that scale and I was perfectly sober by the time I got home. Speaking of last night, I went over to Kevin's to hang out. It was Rob, Jeff, Kim, Grego, Kevin, and of course me! It was fun, I think Kim felt out of the loop somewhat being the only straight person there but I was the only lesbian so I wasn't that far behind her. I really had fun, I needed to hang out with my friends and get back to my life and realize that things are great! Not like I didn't before, but having the burden of school lifted temporarily I can finally just chill and relax with my friends and family at home. It was great seeing all of them and just laughing. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing them when I'm up at school. So I didn't get home till around 2am where I promptly passed out from exhaustion. I'm wondering how Tasha's evening with Johnathan went! I will have to call her and ask. I was hoping I'd get to talk to Laura last night since she was in a bad mood but I didn't get home in time, besides I'm not sure she was on last night or not. I would just call her but I don't think I brought her home number with me, anyway...

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December 16th, 2003

Subject: Tired... Time: 11:14 am

Oy, my acting 2 final was not the best in the world... Still, I really don't care about it. I honestly wasn't feeling acting at all this semester, I don't know why really? It has to do with me, I guess. I love the art of acting but I don't get the adrenaline rush like I used too. Maybe it's due to my being stressed out with my art classes this semester I'm not sure. All I know is that, I'm glad it's over. I really am, no worries or regrets. One less stressful thing is out of my life for good.

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December 12th, 2003

Subject: I can't wait until its all over... Time: 08:54 pm

I am tired of finals, of being holed up in my room working! Granted its my fault, I procrastinate...it just sucks when it collapses in on you like this! Anyway, I have to remember this is the last weekend. I'll be free come Wednesday! I wish Laura was on so that I would have someone to talk too. I wonder if I'm forming an "unhealthy" attachment? I don't think it is because I don't have to talk to her, it's just she keeps my mind occupied so I don't have to focus on my work. Still, I'm sure she's out gallavanting around on a Friday night. Hell, if I had something to do that seemed more exciting than sitting in my room, I would be too. I'm almost tempted to go walk up to the bookstore and read at least then I won't be stuck in my room but then I'd walk up there and not want to walk back. Then again, my roommates are leaving so I don't have to worry about going anywhere right now! I would call someone to come over but everyone either lives 45 or so minutes away or are going through final "stress" like me (well, I'm not really stressed...but) it wouldn't be any fun. Well, its almost over. Then I can go home and see the friends and family.

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December 11th, 2003

Subject: I love Ray... Time: 05:14 pm

Charles, that is! Side note...just why? Why? I ask myself...

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Time: 12:39 am

I deleted my entry by accident! I need sleep, I'm starting to see double... Well, I'm tired...almost done with one final and I'm content. I have no idea how long this will last. Or if the rug will be pulled. Yet at this moment, I just don't care. What will be, will be...

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December 9th, 2003

Subject: stress... Time: 12:35 am Current Mood: moody

It's starting to slowly dawn on me and I don't like it. I'm cold from posing nude, and Tasha is going to have a meltdown! Me to follow soon after. I just don't understand things sometimes, I'm not sure I'm supposed too. Or maybe I am and I just don't see it. I just don't know. I know I'm tired of admitting my feelings all the time. I can acknowledge I feel them, yes. The more I say, the more vulnerable I end up becoming... Oh, fuck it. You live once, right? You get hurt in one way or another. If I'm going to be perfectly honest with myself, I'm probably deeper than I should be. I'm scared as all hell but I like it too. I don't care, I might end up falling on the floor in a pit of despair (again) but at least I can feel. It might be for the wrong person but right now that's not what I think. I might be fucking myself over, oh well it won't be the first time. They might not want to know or hear all of this but its not like its any easier for me to type it much less say it outloud. Part of me wants the plug pulled, I want her to say I'm pushing too much and its not what she wants, so my instinct will be right. Still then, I'm relying on my past and their experiences and I'm letting that dictate how I see people now. I'm just scared, okay? Really, truly fucking scared. I don't know what I'm doing, or if I'm doing the right thing. I just need to think but that's my problem. And even stranger now, I think of silly things she did or said and I'm happy and I smile and I feel good, ya know? In away I haven't felt (or thought I deserved to feel) in a long time. I don't want to rush her into anything, I know I never could. Besides, I'm not trying to say something that makes her umcomfortable. Hell, I don't even know what I'm feeling exactly... All I have to say is let the rug be pulled now or let the other shoe drop soon...before I stick my foot in my mouth and end up saying or doing something I can't take back or regret...

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December 6th, 2003

Current Music: The Fool on the Hill - The Beatles Subject: Got a good reason for taking the easy way out... Time: 04:46 pm Current Mood: blank

Anyway, my head is hurt. I drew my friend Dannielle naked for 4 hours and I still have to do 30+ sketches. Hopefully, I'll be able to make it to the Walters so I can do some work. I get to spend my Saturday night playing with clay, so much fun! After spending the better part of Friday and early Saturday in an emotional state that I still don't understand. I have come to some logical conclusions! Yes, I can be logical when provoked. Anyway, I need to do laundry tonight. I might take a shower before I play with clay, which makes no sense but who cares about that right now... The clouds have lifted in some aspects...hopefully they will stay that way for awhile. I think it's my overall lack of stress that is getting to me. Even though I'm not really stressed over school, its more over my parents reaction to my going to school. I don't know, I just hate it. Some days I just want to go somewhere and start over. There is nothing really keeping me here, I have people in Glen Burnie still trying to pull me into the HS bullshit and Towson is well...Towson. Some days, I wonder if I would be happy somewhere else. Probably not knowing my luck. You can't hide from your problems no matter how much you try, I learned that the hard way. Anyway, it's clay time! I need to get motivated to do that shit.

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December 3rd, 2003

Subject: The Wreckoning... Time: 11:46 am

Or in layman's terms...it's the time of year folks when finals are on their way! I can feel the stress rising already, I didn't get reamed in GD today...Siri must be in a good mood. I got another idea for my icon, which is great! I am finished my CD cover! I haven't started a damn thing in Human Figure but my friend is going to pose naked for me tomorrow so I can draw some. Other than that, my life will be clay and drawing nude sculptures and if I have to, Tasha this weekend. Oh, I might see Kayon for a little bit on Saturday too!

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December 2nd, 2003

Subject: I hate my scene... Time: 08:35 am

Just thought I'd share...

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December 1st, 2003

Current Music: Kelis-My Milkshake Subject: Mondays... Time: 12:06 pm Current Mood: drained

Only 19 more days...that is it. I need to lock myself in my room because I need to get some kind of work done. I can only afford to have one C this semester. I just have one more class left for the night, then I have to come home and do more homework! Good times, all the time. I might skip out an hour early again because I'm almost done with my CD basically...I might do a back too...to join it all together. Not really sure yet...maybe I will. Today wasn't that bad at all. I was ticked off at my Graphic Design class but that's usual. I just need to buckle down and do my work and stop fucking around like I have all damn day. I have to do my scene for my acting class tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but it has to be done. I don't think there is anything else to report on. I plan on starting read some knowledge expanding books this weekend, between doing homework of course. I have a date with the museum twice this week! Other than that, nothing much to tell. I'm not dying from sickness anymore and I'm feeling pretty okay. I'm finally in the mood to concentrate only on school, it only took me 13 weeks to get to this point! Ha, I'm brilliant sometimes I swear. Well, I guess it's good I have the motivation...I haven't seen my distraction around lately so I have been able to get work done. Now if I can get my fucking imagination under control things will be wonderful!

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November 30th, 2003

Current Music: Crush-DMB Subject: Ummmm... Time: 08:39 pm Current Mood: restless

Oh angst and flowers! You are a singing lezbo! What kind of Dyke are you?? brought to you by Quizilla Can I say, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" Ok, I'm done now. Now, I need to stop listening to Crush. Take this quiz or visit survey.JUNKIE for more surveys! Now this is more like it!

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November 28th, 2003

Subject: Bored Time: 07:52 pm

I'm tired and bored today ladies... I think it has to do with the over abundance of rain! I exercised for an hour and it still didn't help me at all. I basically wasted the whole damn day, which is my fault. Rob is hanging over at Jeff's house...so I guess I could go over there. But I see no point in going from house to another not when I could do the same thing at my house AND not have to watch them make out. In theory there is nothing wrong with it. But I'm just not in the mood today. I'm in a weird mood as of late...which again I think has to do with the weather. I'm just really cranky today. Not for any good reason either, I think I'm just in one of those moods where I'm waiting for someone to set me off! Just biding my time, and since I'm aware of that fact I'm trying equally hard to suppress it. SO, I wanted to go to the drag show at the Hippo. Being that I know no one that wants to go. I'm sure Sheila E. would go with me BUT I left all my phone numbers up at Towson which does me no good since I'm down here right now! So yes, to have a car right now, I would die happily. Instead, I will either end up hanging out at Jeff's or staying home and sleeping. In fact I might just go over to Jeff's and sleep anyway...

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November 27th, 2003

Subject: I'm glad Thanksgiving comes once a year! Time: 08:14 pm Current Mood: exhausted

I am so stuffed! May I never see stuffing again! It's evil, yet so good at the same time. I'm writing from my brother's computer at home since I felt an overwhelming urge to come home and be with my family after they came up to Towson to have dinner with me. They arrived around 9:30am (my mom woke me up when she first called me), and my mom started cooking. It was really nice to see her and my brother its has been over a month or so since I've last seen them. I needed to be around family and laugh about stupid things and just enjoy their company without any kind of stress! I was nervous on how it was going to be initially but it went really well SO much that I decided to come home and spend the weekend...well at least till Saturday, I think. I have to see Kim, Jeff & Rob while I'm down here or else they will kill me. I will also be seeing Nicole but I didn't choose that but we haven't seen each other in a long time so I'm sure everything will go over fine. I'm not sure if we are going to go to the Hippo or not...I guess it depends on what everyone wants to do tomorrow. ALRIGHT, I'm tired. This Thanksgiving combined with everything else has made me really tired SO I'm going to cut this off here and finish tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to make more sense... Oh, on a very sad note. My friend Pheeney suffered a stroke Monday night. She's alive she can barely talk and is learning how to type again. She told me all this via IM tonight... I was so upset and mad that I didn't know and couldn't be there for her. I told her to call me if she ever needs anything... It's just crazy she's 21 and she is in good shape. I'm just in shock and I'm puzzled...

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November 24th, 2003

Subject: A good way to start Monday... Time: 08:23 am

What Psych-Ward do you belong to?

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November 23rd, 2003

Subject: BOOKS! Time: 10:34 am

Ok, ladies... I'm feeling like I need to expand my knowledge and read! So I need book suggestions, anyone have any?! Or no where I can go to find some ideas...?

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November 22nd, 2003

Current Music: Red Light-Jonny Lang Subject: Saturday Night Alone... Time: 08:09 pm Current Mood: discontent

Actually that doesn't even bother me... I feel like a wreck and I don't know why! So I'm refusing to let myself fall into some kind of rut! I think (ok, I know) I think too much, which usually leads my mind into some sort of trouble. I don't know why it tends to do that I never can understand it...not sure if I'm even supposed too. Ok, I rambled on and went nowhere. I hope that time isn't upon me for I am not ready for it. I don't want the cramps and mood swings. Still, I think its on its way because I haven't felt like myself lately. Well just today...and it started about 2 hours ago. So I don't know...maybe spending the night by myself in an empty apartment will do me some good! Do you think that fate really exists? Or did human beings make up the word in order to give themselves hope? I'm not sure I believe in it, not in the hopeful sense. I think people do come in the world that change your lives whether good or bad...but they do help shape who you are today. For example, Chris...he and I went through a lot of shit and I couldn't stand myself for a long time because of it. Still, I realize now that if it didn't happen I wouldn't have grown in the ways I did. I still have some residual anger and feelings I don't quite understand left but I do know that in time they will dissipate. I don't know why this is on my mind tonight. I'm not feeling especially bad about it. I think it has to do with my liking two people and wondering if its even worth it. I know this will teach me alot, but I'm not sure I want too. I know I'm young I should be out seeing what's out there, no expectations... I think its the holiday's and all those feelings that are getting to me! It's not even fucking Thanksgiving yet and I feel like this. Granted I've been listening to sad, depressing music for 3 days basically. Or that I'm sitting here on my computer on a Saturday night...

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Subject: Exhausted... Time: 12:03 am

I'm exhausted ladies... in more ways than one... and not in a good way either...

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November 19th, 2003

Subject: Drowning... Time: 06:09 pm

Towson has no water...no showers, toilets, sinks...nadda zip! We will be convening with the fishes and various other animals if I don't get back to Millennium tonight. For I, need water!!!! Good news, Kelly is hitting MD this weekend so I will probably go see her! Bad news, I have a shit load of homework to do... I have to call my moms to see what the deal is for Thanksgiving...if nothing is happening. I'm just going to stay in in Millennium no point in going home like I did last year. So we can stare at each other over nothing. I can do that at home by myself...no point in going home for that. At least in my room I can get some work done. Oh, Rob, Jeff and I may be going to the Hippo after Thanksgiving. Not sure yet, since Jeff isn't into that type of thing so he might not want to go. But I do, I'm not planning on telling Laura. At least not yet...or not until I know for sure. Or I might not and just show up. ANYWAY, I'm not trying to worry about it what will be will be. Know what? I think I am starting to like Tori Amos...what is wrong with me? You entered: 7/15/1982 You were born on a Thursday under the astrological sign Cancer. Your Life path number is 6. The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2445165.5. The golden number for 1982 is 7. The epact number for 1982 is 5. The year 1982 was not a leap year. As of 11/19/2003 5:26:47 PM CST You are 21 years old. You are 256 months old. You are 1,114 weeks old. You are 7,797 days old. You are 187,145 hours old. You are 11,228,726 minutes old. You are 673,723,607 seconds old. There are 239 days till your next birthday and 36 days till Christmas! The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning crescent.

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